<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>What I was before my world fell down by Anewhope303</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28698723">What I was before my world fell down</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anewhope303/pseuds/Anewhope303'>Anewhope303</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fem!Reylo collection [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Author is projecting onto her comfort character, Blood, Bullying, Character Study, Childhood Memories, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Eventual Rey/Ben Solo, Female Ben Solo, Female Kylo Ren, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kidnapping, Lonliness, Manipulative Relationship, Mother-Daughter Relationship, POV Female Character, Rule 63, Seduction to the Dark Side, Self Defense, Teen Angst, Temper Tantrums, Use of the bitenbinder method, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, eventual lgbtqia+ themes, fem kylo, this sort of has Elsa vibes tbh, threats of violence against a child, violence perpetrated by a child, “good child syndrome”</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:34:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,701</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28698723</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anewhope303/pseuds/Anewhope303</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Before she killed her old self to become Kylo Ren, Breha was a quiet sensitive girl, a good girl fighting her dark tendencies, a lonely girl who’s only friend was the voice in her head.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ben Solo &amp; Han Solo, Leia Organa &amp; Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Luke Skywalker &amp; Ben Solo, Snoke &amp; Ben Solo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fem!Reylo collection [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2269454</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Loud voices in a quiet mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/byronicmaiden/gifts">byronicmaiden</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I’m using this to work out some of the harmful coping mechanisms I’ve realized I use plus more fem!kylo is always welcome<br/>Obviously I haven’t had all the terrible shit that happens to her happen to me but it’s still really cathartic </p><p>I hope this is good</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-9 years old-</p><p>Breha knew her parents loved her, she told herself that over and over again when the voice got too loud. She knew they loved her, even if they were hardly ever around to tell her.</p><p>Her mother told her so when she would braid her hair in the traditional Alderaani plaits for “beloved daughter” and tell her stories of a beautiful planet she was technically the princess of, if it still existed.</p><p>Her father told her so when he took her flying, when she sat on his lap in the Falcon’s cockpit and let her steer the ship under his watchful eye, or simply just sitting back in the copilot seat, playing with his lucky dice and watching the the stars blur as they made the jump to hyperspace.</p><p>But those moments were few and far between, as they were always away on business, and she spent the bulk of her childhood under the care of nanny droids. </p><p>It gets harder to believe the longer they are away.</p><p>She was lonely, the only constant companion she had was the voice in her head. He whispered into her ear of her lineage’s greatness, how one day she would be great too if she listened to him. He was wise, and he was kind to her when no one else was there, so she had no reason not to believe him. When she told her mother on one of her trips home, she dismissed him as a fantasy of a lonely child and brought new playmates in. </p><p>They didn’t stay long, and she stayed quiet. (“Let them go, my child. I am the only friend you need”) </p><p>She tried oh so hard to be the perfect daughter, the good child they needed her to be, staying quiet as her mother showed her off to the senate at dreadfully boring galas, excelling at her studies, shoving snide comments about her nose down until she could barely feel them.</p><p>But she couldn’t stay quiet forever, and when the dam burst, it swept everything away with it. Her tantrums were of legendary proportions, furniture levitating off the ground as her little fist pounded the hardwood floor until her knuckles bled. Wails and moans could be heard throughout the house, not ceasing until she collapsed. Once a droid tried to approach her when she was in the throws of passion and was thrown across the room with enough force to break it in half. </p><p>The worst tantrum took place when she was five. Bounty hunter’s with an old vendetta against her dad kidnapped her when she was alone in the garden. They knocked her out, tied her up and brought her to their headquarters. </p><p>When she woke up, she was terrified and disoriented and the thugs started to yell at her about how they were going to skin her alive if Han Solo didn’t give himself over to them, and then they flashed her the knife they were going to use, and it was all too much. </p><p>She screwed her crying eyes shut, summoned the knife from the man’s hand and cut the ropes they bound her with, as they hadn’t bothered to use anything stronger on a harmless looking child. </p><p>She felt their terror at the dawning realization of what she was capable of as the knife turned on them.</p><p>When her family burst into the room guns blazing, all they found was a wailing Breha surrounded by four dead bodies, the crimson of their blood staining the hem of her white dress.</p><p>She never forgot how taking a life for the first time felt. It was a cold, terrible sensation, like ice shooting through her veins from head to toe, hitting home in her soft heart. She hadnt meant to kill them, they were just so loud and they were yelling about killing her dad and she got so overwhelmed. She told the voice about how wrong it felt, but he was quick to tell her to brush off the guilt and almost seemed encouraging of the act.</p><p>Her mother seemed terrified of her after her episodes, and everytime she feels her force signature fill with terror her little heart breaks, horrified that she caused her mother more worries on top of all that is wrong with the galaxy. But when she sees the tears threatening to fall again, she gathers her up into her arms and whispers soft reassurances into her hair.</p><p>After she leaves, the voice speaks to her for the first time in a way that is not so kind. There’s an almost cruel rasp as he whispers (“your mother sees you as a burden for your outbursts. She has no use for a screaming scrawny daughter. What a shame, letting that skywalker blood, the raw power go to waste”) a small part of her notices that he sounded a little too covetous on the word “power”, but she brushes it aside quickly. The voice was her only friend, he must be coming from a place of genuine concern.</p><p>She makes sure to be extra well behaved the next day, but the words stuck with her, her train of thought quickly spiraling into self loathing.</p><p>I'm a burden, she doesn't really love me, i'm nothing, i'm nothing, i’m nothing without my power.</p><p>One night after a particularly rough episode, she had a terrible nightmare. She saw a dark reflection of herself, clad in black and brandishing a crackling red lightsaber as she cut down scores of enemy combatants.She wakes screaming bloody murder, and seeing no other way to calm down, she climbs out of bed and starts to walk to her parents room for comfort. But when she reaches it, the bed is empty. Their voices carry up the stairs though, and she crouches near the banister to hear what they're yelling about. </p><p>“We need to send her to Luke. she’s getting too powerful.”</p><p>“I won’t have my daughter sent off to some cult boot camp where she has to call her uncle master”</p><p>“Han, I felt the darkness in her! If we can’t get this under control she could become a monster! It’s our best shot to save her”</p><p>Monster…. Silent tears flowed as she processed what she had heard. They were sending her away! She wasn’t good enough to stay with them, no matter how hard she tried to be. </p><p>(They fear you, young one. They’ll never understand you like I do)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. There’s an new kind of poison and it’s starting to spread</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warnings: bulling, slight self harm.</p><p>This gets dark, and I perhaps don’t treat Luke with the respect that he’s owed as one of my favorite characters. </p><p>Most of these things have not happened to me, unlike in the last chapter where I based it off of my own tantrums</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter title from “antidote” by faith Marie <br/>It’s very much a song that reminds me of Breha and also hits hard for anyone struggling/has struggled with mental illness</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-15 years old-</p><p>Unc...Master Luke was distant, so cautious not to seem like he was playing favorites that he seemed to ignore her especially.</p><p>Even with more people around, the voice was still Breha’s only friend. When she was 11 he revealed his name to her. She didn’t understand why his name was such an important thing to reveal, but she learned long ago questioning Snoke got her nowhere. </p><p>The other Padawans stay away from her mostly. Some make fun of her ears, mock her gangly limbs, call her a freak among freaks. She knows that many of them were bullied for their strange powers before being enrolled here, </p><p>A growing part of her wants to lash out, wants to show them the power that made her an outsider up close, but she pushes it down like the rest of her feelings. Mother told her to be brave, to be a good girl for her uncle when they dropped her off at the temple, and she’s kept her promise so far.</p><p>She hasn’t heard from her or dad in a year, though they are allowed comm links to communicate back home. </p><p>So she doesn’t say anything back to them, she just continues walking to her secret meditation spot with tears in the corners of her eyes as she furiously recites the first line of the code in her head. </p><p>“There is no emotion, there is peace”<br/>“There is no emotion, there is peace”</p><p>(“Stop wasting your time with that drivel, young one. Your emotions will do you much credit if you simply embrace them”)</p><p>Snoke’s sharper with her now, but she supposes that’s to be expected. She’s not a little girl anymore, he reminds her of that often. He claims now that she’s older, she must be prepared to carry on her legacy as a skywalker. She wonders why Snoke talks so much about the potential of her bloodline, yet seems to disparage Master Luke constantly. Who else would she be trying to emulate? Snoke might not be completely light, but he wouldn’t actually expect her to follow in Vader’s footsteps. Snoke was her most constant companion through her life, she knew she could trust him with her most intimate thoughts and conflicted urges.</p><p>Her inner monologue is cut off by a sudden, sharp pain at the back of her skull, followed by more jeers. Turning suddenly, she sees the others had followed her into the forest. One of them threw a jagged pebble at her, and when her hand comes away from the point of impact there's blood. </p><p>Emotions and vengeful thoughts flood her mind faster than she can control. To her mortification, hot teardrops were rolling down her cheeks in full view of her tormentors. She always knew she was an ugly crier, and shame soon joined rage and self pity in the pit of her stomach as she shut her eyes tight in an ineffectual attempt to stem the flow. </p><p>(“They’re all laughing at you. Mocking you for your weakness. Oh, if only they knew of the raw power coursing through your veins. You could crush them all if you wanted too. Are you just going to take it or are you going to fight back?”)</p><p>She really doesn't want to, but she can stop herself from thinking about how easy it would be. All it would take was a flick of her wrist and she could send them all flying into the nearest tree. They would never bother her again. </p><p>But once she opens her eyes again, they are all looking at her with terror and unease. She realizes with a start that not only did the dark creep into her force signature like an ink stained calligraphy brush being dipped into water during her violent musings, but they all felt it. </p><p>They weren't shielding her thoughts like she was at the moment, but she didn't need to listen to know what they were thinking. </p><p>In their eyes, Breha wasn't the quiet tall misfit anymore, or Master Luke’s niece. All they saw was the granddaughter of Vader.</p><p>The world was spinning, everything narrowed down to the frantic beat of her heart. Every part of her was telling her to run, to get somewhere safe before it all came crashing down, somewhere that they can’t hear the screaming that follows her outbursts, so she did.</p><p>They didn’t follow her, or if they did, she outran them. </p><p>Once she reaches the clearing on the outskirts of the temple, she attempts to meditate like her master tells her to, but it’s no use. How can she think straight when she’s drowning in her sadness and rage.</p><p>(“Then don’t, if it’s not going anywhere. Perhaps you should release your feelings onto something else.”)</p><p>She shouldn’t. She knows this is wrong, that she should settle down with the useless mantras her master taught her and force her mind to quiet, but at the moment it seemed impossible to ignore.</p><p>A perfectly unassuming tree caught her eye and her hand came to grasp her lightsaber almost unconsciously. She knows that letting the rage out is indulging in the dark, but it’s just a tree, she can go back to being a good girl when she gets back to the temple.</p><p>Before she can even register she’s in front of the tree, adjusting her grip and taking a deep breath to center herself before igniting and slashing the trunk with wild abandon. There was a power in it, this mania that had come over her now. Her inhibitions and judgment were gone, the world outside of the destruction she was creating faded away, it was just her and the tree and the feeling of embracing all that she had suppressed for so long.</p><p>But in the aftermath, the darkness receded. She’s horrified at her destructive actions, recoiling at the sight of the tree covered in orange slashes. They were all afraid of the dark in her and her response was to turn to it for comfort. </p><p>(“But didn’t it feel good to have that release? It isn’t hurting anyone, I’m sure you can keep it under control, my dear”)</p><p>That calmed her a little. Snoke was right, she was strong. After all, what’s one little tree? She still won’t do it again, but this is nothing.</p><p>She groans, Master Luke is going to find out sooner or later and assign her tons of meditation to purge the dark. She heads back to the temple and pretends nothing happened.</p><p>Life goes on as normal, her cycle of study, eat, train, read, check her comm for any word from her parents, and praying the nightmares will stay away for another night uninterrupted.</p><p>Then about 2 standard months later, she broke down again over a stupid rumor about her being part wookie (a thinly veiled taunt about her height). This time no one bears witness to her angry tears. She runs in the night to the forest and hacks apart a young tree with wild strokes until its little but glowing embers from her blade. The thrill of destruction is somewhat diminished this time, but the hollow adrenaline is still exhilarating. This is the last time, though. Tomorrow she would learn a better way to control herself, to keep being that good girl she needs to be.</p><p>It wasn't the last time.</p><p>It became a part of her routine. They’d point, laugh, and stare, she’d wait until it was dark and sneak out to let loose in a way that wouldn't hurt anybody, then plant some new trees in to make up for the ones she destroyed.</p><p>She tells herself it's fine.</p><p>Deep down she knows it isn't.</p><p>Deeper down she doesn't care.</p><p>————————-</p><p>A few years later, though it feels so much longer, Breha watches the temple burn through the tears in her eyes.</p><p>She’s seen this before in her nightmares, and part of her wants to believe it still is a scene her mind conjured up to torment her, but as she scratches her nails down her arms to wake herself up, she knows it’s no dream.</p><p>She’s still wrapping her mind around what happened tonight, the green saber raised too close to her head, the fires surrounding the school, the padawans turning on her so fast, and the knowledge that the life she had here was over.</p><p>She couldn’t keep it in. And they all paid the price.</p><p>She desperately prays that some of them made it out alive, she never wanted any of them dead, despite the words and the rocks.</p><p>She sees her ship in the distance, she needs to make a run for it and fast if she’s ever getting away from this place.</p><p>She knows she can’t go home, she just buried her uncle in rubble, and her parents haven’t bothered to talk to her for years outside of special occasions, they might side with Luke over her, even if they knew what happened.</p><p>(“Come to me, my dear. There is no going back now. I will make you strong)</p><p>Snoke’s right. She might have escaped her uncle with her life, but he killed Breha tonight. </p><p>As she gets into the ship and punches in Snoke’s coordinates, she feels her every nerve pulse with the power of the darkness, though she’s still scared of it.</p><p>She’s angry in a way she’s never been before, like she could bring down star systems with a single scream. </p><p>Her uncle would pay for his betrayal, she would make sure of that.</p><p>Fuck being a good girl. Whoever she was is gone now, maybe she never existed outside of the expectations others had set for her. </p><p>There’s a sense of hollow pleasure in letting it all burn.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please feed me kudos if you haven’t already.</p><p> I wanna keep my inspiration up, and comments especially remind me to work on the next chapter.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please comment and leave kudos so I remember to post the next chapter. </p><p>Constructive criticism, ideas for the next chapters, and compliments are welcome</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>